woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
