This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
