He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
