this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
