No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
