he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
