there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
