____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
