Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
