im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
