Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There's always time for handjobs
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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