Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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