ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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