Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
