the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
