you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
