i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
