My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
