You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
