There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
