Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
