the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
