Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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