I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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