she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
