My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
