Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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