We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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