does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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