My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
