all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
