party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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