i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
