I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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