I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
