can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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