but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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