Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
