Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
