So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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