You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
