i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
