They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
