Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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