so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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