happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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