The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
