I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
