I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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