Swine flu. Run for my life!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
