So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
