I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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