i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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