I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
