I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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