Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
