i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
